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Gary* the Maintenance Guy: Employee of the Year

*The real "Gary" was fired right after this article, so we had to cleverly change the name. The rest of it is true....or partially true....somewhat....kind of....

By Shemp Johnson

Despite the fact that most of our staff are incompetent bottom-feedin', knuckle draggers who barely do enough work to keep my Benz filled with gas, there are a few exceptions. Some do work hard and have the street smarts needed to get the job done. Then there's Gary the Maintenance Guy. Besides taking care of all the high tech printing equipment around here, Gary also cleans my pool, washes my dogs, walks my kids, hunts down those pesky gophers that have been eating up my bushes and some other stuff that my wife tells me to do but that I won't do 'cuz I got someone else to do it for me because MONEY TALKS BABY!!
Gary the Maintenance Guy

It is often said that the 60's skipped Baltimore. If that's the case then the lower east side section of Baltimore known as Dundalk hasn't even seen the 50's yet. It's a blue collar town where life is hard and the women look rough. The people here are old school. They couldn't even spell "Political Correctness" (or a lot of other words for that matter). It is from this culture that Gary the Maintenance Guy came to us.

INTERVIEW:

Big JohnsonCo: So tell us a little about yourself, Gary.
Gary: Man who the HELL are you? Are you with the cops?! Hey I went to see my parole officer last week. Leave me alone!
Big JohnsonCo: No! It's us...about the internet story...employee of the year....
Gary: Ohhhhh. Sorry dude, you just can't be too careful.
Big JohnsonCo: Uh, could you put the monkey wrench down?
Gary: Let's just see how this goes first, okay.
Big JohnsonCo: What do you do for the company?
Gary: What DON'T I do for this company? I take care of every piece of machinery in this place. If it's busted, I fix it. I keep the machines in this place oiled and hummin' like...like a well oiled hummin' machine. I give this place my all. 24-7-365.
Big JohnsonCo: Oh, by the way, the lights in my office are burnt out, do you think you can replace them?
Gary: I'm on my break.
Big JohnsonCo: Shemp Johnson (the CEO) named you as the Employee of the Year. A remarkable feat considering that he's only given that award to himself for the past 10 years.
Gary: Let's just say he owes me.
Big JohnsonCo: How's that?
Gary: Shemp says I can't talk about that until something about the "statue of limitations" is up... I'm not sure; he talks fast and I get confused.
Big JohnsonCo: What are you going to do with all the prize money?
Gary: Prize money?
Big JohnsonCo: Yeah, that $5,000 that Shemp always awards himself every year. Any plans?
Gary: (muttering to himself) Why that dirty....
Big JohnsonCo: Gary? Where are you going with the monkey wrench? Is there a mechanical emergency that you need to attend to?
Gary: Yeah! I'm going to loosen a checkbook that's too tight!
The Following are actual quotes from Gary the Maintenance Guy. You can't make this kind of stuff up! Feel free to share these pearls of wisdom with friends. Gary asks for no royalties, just credit for the quotes.

"I think they was Guacamolians."
-Gary describing the ethnic background of the men fixing the air conditioning.

"We got us a Cease to Exist order."
-Gary telling about the legal document sitting on the front desk.

"I guess you ain't never been in love then!"
-Gary's comeback when people criticized him for beaning his girlfriend in the noggin with a telephone.

"You kiss your mother with that #@% mouth?"
-Gary's response when asked if his family was "indigenous" to the area.

"They was just mad that I've got a Yankees flag up there and not the O's (Orioles)."
-Gary on why his neighbors are mad that he erected a 30 foot steel flagpole in his front yard.

"You gotta' make that ass red"
-Gary describing to all of us the ways of true love.

"What can you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothin'! 'Cuz she hasn't listened twice already!!"
-Gary's favorite joke.

"They don't serve nothing!"
-Gary complaining about his A.A. meetings.
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