Meet the People at Big JohnsonCo

Despite his anger at all his employees, our CEO Shemp has OK'd this section of the TIMES for recognizing all the workers here. "Maybe that will shut them the @%# up," yelled Shemp while from behind his office door. So let's get things rolling right along with a look at one of our newest additons to the Art Room. Look close one day at a Big Johnson design...Really close (Not for too long or you’ll go blind). See all the detail and things happening in the backgrounds. It takes a lot of work to come up with that crap. To be truthful, it takes a lot of research. That’s when we call new Big Johnson Art Room Guy Tom Neuberger.

JOHNSON: So what is it that you do here?
TOM: Ha! That’s funny. You know, Shemp (CEO of Big Johnsonco) asks me that one everyday.

JOHNSON: Yes, but we’d like an answer.
TOM: My technical title is “Detail and Sight Gag Researcher”.

JOHNSON: And that means....
TOM: I’m the guy responsible for pouring over vast amounts of primary source data, creating and collating photostatic images to their correct size specifications and delivering said images to the designer for media recycling.

JOHNSON: Come again?
TOM: I look through smut magazines, xerox the babes and give them to the Al the Art Guy to stare at.

JOHNSON: Sounds tough.
TOM: Hey! It’s not as simple as it sounds. If the art guy needs a good photo reference of say a blonde with major league yahoos bending over with a flirtive “come hither” look, I may have to dig through 3...sometimes 4 pages of porn before I find just the right one.

JOHNSON: I’m sorry. I had no idea.
TOM: Daggone right! And heaven forbid the job calls for a blonde, brunette AND a redhead reference. I’ll end up in the bathroom for the better part of the hour.

JOHNSON: But it’s not just girls that the designer needs reference material on is it?
TOM: No. I mean these ARE Big Johnson shirts so that is a major part of the research, but I also have to constantly find quality shots of cars, boats, tools, fishing rods, wild animals... you name it!

JOHNSON: Where do you find all these images?
TOM: Lots of places. On the internet. Sometimes in the dictionary. Sometimes in the phone book. But most times I take a stroll down to the local library for a snooze...uh I mean a reference gathering session.

JOHNSON: Do you check out a lot of books?
TOM: Hell no! I just tear the pages out and put the books back on the... um... shelf. Uh...do you think you could delete that last part?

JOHNSON: Oh Sure.
TOM: Thanks man! If the people at the Dundalk Library ever found out it was me, good old library card #377215, tearing up all those books I’d be in deep trouble. I wonder if they’re still giving out rewards?

JOHNSON: Hmmm...I wonder...
TOM: Any more questions?

JOHNSON: Does it ever bother you that people are not more familiar with your work or the contributions you make to Big Johnson? I mean I’ve been here for a couple of months now and this is the first I’ve ever heard of you.
TOM: It used to bug me a lot. I’ll admit that there were times while I was alphabetizing the SWANK magazine rack that I thought of resigning. But I figured out how to deal with it.

JOHNSON: How?
TOM: I had these cool business cards printed up with my name. Check it out.

JOHNSON: Let’s see. “Official Bikini Inspector”?
TOM: Oops! Wrong one. Wait just a minute...here it is!

JOHNSON: “Tom Neuberger...Professional Big Johnson model...Birthdays and Bar Mitzvahs...Tested and Clean.”
TOM: I go to the bars and hand that out to about 30 or 40 chicks, then I just sit back and wait for them to flock to me for some special “Tommy Gun Love”.

JOHNSON: Does it really work?
TOM: I don’t know yet...I’m still sitting.

JOHNSON: Thank you very much Tom.
TOM: Hey! Wanna’ feel my muscle?

That brought about a swift end to the interview. Shortly thereafter, the Dundalk Municipal Library brought suit against Tom Neuberger for what is being called “the Largest Library Fine in Judicial History”. The interviewer is on a long holiday at Club Med.