During one of his many holiday vacations, Shemp took a rather unexpected detour. Thrill to this stirring tale of hostile natives, survival, and golf as actually recorded by our boss.

Excerpt from the Journal of Shemp Johnson, Founder and CEO of Big JohnsonCo.

Day 1- Made it to Miami and found the boat just fine. I am a little suspicious about the seaworthiness of the craft however. I've never seen hull repairs made with duct tape before but the first mate assures me it's standard practice for this part of the world. The good news is that the wife still thinks we're going skiing. Hope she won't be too hot on the beach in that parka.

Day 2- Disaster strikes. 60 miles out to sea the ship went down. My Calloway Titanium Head Pro-Line Driver got wet enough to leave water marks on the genuine leather grip, while my autographed Sam Snead Tournament 9 Iron was severely spritzed by saltwater. I thank God that I had the forethought to wrap my custom made Ping Putter in airtight plastic and that there were enough lifejackets on board for all my Top-Flite golf balls otherwise it would have been a catastrophe. p.s. the wife broke her arm and sprained her ankle jumping off the boat .

Day 3- We are saved! Our lifeboat has washed ashore on an uncharted desert isle. The natives greeted us with what they called their "traditional island greeting". That's all well and good I suppose although I must confess that I don't particularly care for being tied and hung upside down from a tree...no matter how traditional it is. Tomorrow I may just complain to the management.

Day 4- Big Trouble. It has become clear to me that the natives on this island are CANNIBALS! I have reached this conclusion after I saw them boil and eat my best friend Jimmy Franklin. What a shame...Jimmy had just fixed that nasty hook that's been throwing his whole game. Later I overheard one of the natives tell another that he hated "hated his mother-in-law". The other guy asked if he'd tried the potatoes yet. (note to self: invite my In Laws on my next vacation)

Day 5- Horror of horrors!! The Cannibals ate Haswell, Skip and Jeff. There goes my foursome. Later they boiled Dave Willis and barbequed Geoff Brent. Then they made a soufflé out of G. W. Mix and served him with cream sauce. After cocktails, they served Dickey McGee lightly roasted with a raspberry glaze and truffles along with Robbie Metz over easy on toast with shallots and a lobster bisque. At this moment they are arguing whether to serve Eric (my worthless brother) sautéed with a French Merlot or grilled with anise and a California Chardonnay. I'm not looking forward to dessert.

Day 6- We are free! Inspired by our bravery (along with a large cash donation to their favorite charity) the Cannibals agreed not to eat the rest of us. Instead they offered us a choice: Death or "Bunga, Bunga"...which I'd really rather not discuss. Let's just say that I'm still alive but I'm going to be sitting on very soft cushions for the next few weeks. I feel a great deal of sadness at the loss of so many of my friends; but on the bright side most of them were either lawyers or insurance salesmen so nobody's really going to miss them. I guess if there's one lesson I've learned from this experience, one thing I've taken away from facing up to certain death it's this: send your wife on vacation by herself and stay at home drinking and watching rented porn videos.