by Al “the Art Guy” Via,
Lowly Serf of BIG JOHNSONCO
Not a lot of people know it but the earth was almost destroyed this week by our CEO Shemp Pfeifer. And all because his septic tank sprung a leak.

It's a long story , so here we go:

Right after the Christmas staff party this year (which Shemp always insists on holding at his house every year for "tax purposes") the Pfeifer estate started smelling....really bad. Worse than Sales Rep Trey D'ambrosi's feet after his morning stroll through the Dundalk Waste Facilities Daycare playground. Apparently the old septic tank was not equipped to handle the volume of use that night. It probably wasn't very well equipped to handle the 5 cherry bombs that some staff members flushed into it either. In any case, it burst, spewing up a geyser of filth in Shemp's front yard that looked from a distance like an oil well. The smell gave away what it really was to all his neighbors within a 12 mile radius.

When Shemp got the bill for the damage, he literally snapped. Only a case of cheap beer and the promise that he'd be left alone in front of the TV could keep him from going on a killing spree at work and at home.
Then it happened.

Shemp tuned in that fateful night to the 24 hour Bond-a-thon on cable. The constant barrage of super villains and near naked women must have been too much for him. The next morning when his family found him he was sitting in a near comatose state in front of the tube, his pants down around his ankles and his head shaved completely bald. When he finally came to, he announced to the world that he was no longer "Shemp"...he was now "THE Evil Shemp" (although friends and family would be permitted to call him "Evil S" for short.) "Supreme ruthless doer of evil...," slobbered Shemp, "Man! That's the life!!"

The next day at work Shemp.... er, "The Evil Shemp" announced his plans for world-wide terror, global domination and advanced T-Shirt printing. All employees were to start wearing bright orange jumpsuits and white helmets. All names would be replaced by numbers (everyone laughed a lot when Curly Joe Pfeifer yelled out that he wanted to be called "Number Two"). And finally, roared Evil Shemp, Big Johnsonco was to be retitled "The Infamous Forces of G.A.S", which, we were informed, stood for "Give All to SHEMP".

One of the girls in customer service pointed out that actually spelled out "G.A.T.S". Shemp had her taken away to be liquidated. Since the rest of us didn't want to be liquidated (whatever the hell that was), we decided to play along. Besides, the uniforms were kind of cool and as a Secret Army of Terror and Mayhem, union rules say we were all eligible for time and a half.

Several hours later, after his orange clad Secret Army of Terror and Mayhem went on it's 7th coffee break of the morning, Shemp realized that there was a lot more to this being a ruthless overlord than he had first imagined.
"What more can I do," moaned Shemp at the morning staff berating session. "I've got the evil logo. I've got my private army...worthless as they are. I've already gone through 2 packs of razors keeping my head shaved. What am I overlooking?"

"Aren't you supposed to take over the planet or something?" piped in slacker-artist
Mike St. Clair.

"THAT'S IT!!!" exclaimed a near hysterical Shemp. "An evil master plan! I have to devise an insidiously clever plan to control the world in some way. A fool proof scheme worthy of my stature as a megalomaniac despot, hellbent on global domination! But what? And how? Wait, I've got it!!!" With that he stormed out of the meeting and we all went out for lunch

The next day Shemp took out this ad in the local free City Paper and Penny Savers coupon books to announce his new campaign of TERROR. (He complained bitterly that his calls to Channel 54's Eyewitness News Squad had never been returned.) The ads ran for about a week, and apart from a few people looking for jobs and one lady who mistook us for a meat wholesaler, nobody gave into Shemps demand for "a Million Billion dollars". Despite his assurances that "word of mouth" would do the trick and that soon he'd "make those fools pay for their blind stupidity", some of us began to seriously doubt his sanity.

Then just last week, Shemp strolled into the office in his old fat-hiding sweatsuit instead of his Evil Madman Tunic and announced that he'd given up on his plans for global domination. "I've decided to use my time, talents and energy for goodness instead of evil," he said over the loud speaker. "That and it turns out that my 50 percent deposit check for a DOOMSDAY MACHINE bounced. So back to work all of you! By the way...do any of you know how to fix a septic tank?"

Well, all's well that ends well I suppose. With all the excitement we neglected to update the site til now, but Shemp promised us that we'd have the funds and time allotted from now on to change it monthly. Now if he'd only reimburse us for the drycleaning bills on those orange uniforms!