Look, I'm not going to lie to you. I'm a beer drinker plain and simple. When I go to my favorite watering hole and yell to the bartender "gimme the usual", he knows to open up an ice cold longneck and keep 'em coming until I pass out or Doris the 70 year old barfly starts looking good. And furthermore, I really only drink 2 kinds of beer: Cheap or Free. But there comes a time when you have a date and she asks for a....MIXED DRINK. Let me tell you something: there is nothing more embarrassing than asking the bartender for a frozen strawberry daiquiri with a little umbrella and fruit garnish. If you've gotta' get her a mixed drink, there's a way to have fun with it...and ascertain in the process whether or not she's "socially open-minded" (you know: a trollop). For those moments, here's a list of the Curly Joe PFEIFER Mixed Drinks to ask for in Mixed Company. Just walk right up to the bar and yell out, "my date wants a ...." and watch what happens. And a note: only try these drinks out if you're legal drinking age in your state or province or whatever. I don't need a whole lot of nasty notes from parents complaining that their little Johnny was looking for some harmless porn when he stumbled accidentally onto these recipes. My hangover is not in the mood! The Big Johnson: 4 oz Vodka 1 Pint bottle Jack Daniels 3/4 can 7-Up , sprite, etc. 1 dash Lime juice , Sweetened 1 dash Grenadine (optional) Mixing instructions: This may look like a LOT of booze, and it is. But if the bartender mixes it up in a bucket, your date can dip our of it all night and each time you get to say, "there's plenty of this Johnson to go around!" Mix Lime Juice, then Vodka, then JD and 7-UP. Optional Grenadine dash last...pour around side of glass for effect. Serve on ice. Thanks to Pat Johnson of Notre Dame for this one. The L'il Johnson: 1/2 Vodka 1/4 Jack Daniels 1/4 Lime (Rose´s) juice Mixing instructions: This is the smaller version in case she balks at the bucket of liquor above. This way you can yell out, "how about a L'il Johnson now and a lot more later!?" It works wonders on a first date. The Royal Screw: 2 oz Cognac 2 oz Orange Juice Ice and Champagne Mixing instructions: A great drink when you've promised to give her the "Royal Treatment" which of course includes dinner at Burger King and dessert at Dairy Queen. Mix the Cognac and OJ with ice in a tall glass then fill with champagne. The Muff Diver: Jigger Creme de Cacao Jigger of Cream Juice of one lime Juice of one lemon Mixing instructions: Shake well with a firm grip. Ordering this will show her your Genteel side. If that's not enough to get her to go home with you it's also OK to admit you enjoyed "Sleepless in Seattle". But we all KNOW that you didn't...RIGHT?! The Classic Blow Job: Kahlua Baileys Original Irish Cream Vodka Whipped Cream Mixing instructions: Equal parts Kahlua, Baileys and Vodka topped with whipped cream and served in a large shot glass. Remind her that she must use only her mouth to pick up this drink, otherwise it gets downgraded to a Hand Job. I like this one because....well you know why. Enjoy!